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Sexual awareness is normal. Sexual feelings are normal, and there are many ways of expressing one's sexuality. If a person has a disability, it does not change any of this. What often changes is the socialization that provides the foundation for sexual identity.In America, people with disabilities are sometimes oppressed and treated as less than someone without an identifiable disability. This can have a profound impact on the individual's self-identity. Often, people with developmental disabilities feel they are bad or that something is wrong with them. By extension, they can feel that their normal sexual feelings are also bad or wrong. Humans' sexual drive is a primary drive; it is not optional. We have a sexual drive as long as we have enough to eat, drink, and sleep; and we are not under undue stress. As parents, it is critical that we give our children a loving understanding of human sexuality. If we give them the message that their sexuality is precious and wonderful, then they will have some information with which to balance the rather conflicting messages they will likely receive from the dominant culture. Children. In the early years, we give children information on being a boy or a girl. It is also helpful to give them correct names for their body parts including penis, vagina and anus. These terms should be taught using relaxed and open language. Children will fondle themselves during early childhood. Not responding to this behavior is fine in the early years. If this behavior occurs during dinner or at Aunt Martha's birthday party, then distracting them without drawing attention is certainly appropriate. When they are old enough to be aware of others around them, saying to them: "I know that feels good and it is supposed to feel good, but it is also something that is special and private." This type of explanation would help them understand their sexuality. Whatever words you choose, they will best serve a child by imparting the notion that sexual feelings are wonderful and very personal. Bath time is also a good time to teach body awareness including the need to treat one's body with respect. Based on my experience, I believe this can be taught, regardless of the identified level of disability. If we allow the child's disability to keep us from teaching these concepts, then we will leave him/her vulnerable. Just as children learn to eat, drink, sleep, and deal with fear, they can learn to express their sexuality. In fact, children need appropriate support to express themselves sexually; and this support includes information about appropriate boundaries and various ways to show regard for one's self. Teenagers and Adults. By the time they move into their teens, they will experience changes in their bodies that are reflected in their sexuality. They will begin to experience orgasms. They will grow pubic and underarm hair. Overall body hair will change. A young man's voice will change. A young woman will begin to menstruate. Imagine going through these changes without knowing the names of body parts, without the preparation of anticipating change, and without the awareness that someone trusted is available if he/she has any questions. This type of information helps these individuals know that they are not "falling apart" and that they can ask questions. It is not enough to just wait and then tell someone "oh, by the way, ask if you have questions." Around this time, young men and women may begin to masturbate. This activity can be engrossing after bringing oneself to orgasm the first time. This is normal and should not cause undue concern unless they are so engrossed that they are missing other parts of his/her life. In that case, it would be helpful to assist them in understanding balance in their activities. It may be as simple as letting them know that evenings and bedtimes are good times to masturbate, whereas daytimes are important to develop other interests. This is a good time to explain further the function of body parts. For young men, explain to them why they cannot urinate with an erection, how a penis works, etc. For a young woman, explain to them where to find the clitoris and what it does, and why she menstruates. If a person has autism and experiences tactile defensiveness, masturbation may look different. The individual may rub harder or with short rapid movements, more like a grinding motion. It is important to determine if the person is still enjoying the sensation and not causing harm to him-/herself. If he/she is causing abrasion to the tissues, offering K-Y jelly or some other water-soluble lubricant may be helpful. After a young woman begins menstruation, she is old enough for regular vaginal exams. Many will be terrified of these exams. Women with disabilities often need training on how to breath during an exam, how to relax the vaginal muscles, and how to be assertive with the physician in order to go through exams without being medicated. Women who do not speak can be taught to use gestures to tell the doctor to "stop" or "wait." This is also the time when parents may begin to worry about pregnancy. In Oregon, we have a strict law regarding sterilization. This law came about because many women and men with disabilities were abused. It is nearly impossible now to sterilize a person with a disability. Good self-care and an understanding of one's sexual needs and responsibilities can keep a person as safe as possible under normal circumstances, but there will be times when concerns about pregnancy and/or sexual behaviors will result in the need for oral or other forms of contraception. As a result, many people have used chemicals to prevent pregnancy. Self-management techniques may also be useful when teaching appropriate sexual behavior. Sexual abuse. Another important consideration is sexual abuse. Women are abused sexually at alarming rates. Women who have a disability appear to be abused even more. While accurate statistics are difficult to obtain, it is certain that all women and men with disabilities need to be aware of their healthy sexual options; and they need to know what to do if faced with sexual abuse or sexual contact that makes them uncomfortable. It is important for people to understand that nothing they do makes someone abuse them. It is the perpetrator who makes the decision to sexual abuse. Therefore, when teaching people about how to say "No" to unwanted sexual contact, we must be sure to avoid giving the impression that they are responsible if they are abused. Nothing could be further from the truth. In order to teach assertiveness, like saying "No," we have to stop teaching command compliance. We should teach negotiation, compromise, etc., but not compliance. We can also teach them to discriminate between reasonable and unreasonable requests, how to be assertive, and how to find an appropriate sexual partner. If we tell people that they cannot have sex, then we increase the risk that they will respond to their sexual feelings and not tell us. If they are abused, we may not know it unless we can spot the indicators. It is important to help adults understand that if someone is trying to talk them into something without respecting their feelings or wishes, then the safest answer is "No." Sexual abuse is not about sex. Sexual abuse is about power. If we support people to define their own style of personal power, they are in a better position to understand someone who is trying to control them. A person who listens to the wants and needs of others is more likely a safe partner. We can teach this using role playing. Many of my clients have told me that having sex with someone is the only time they feel normal. They have a job that they know a "normal" person would not have. They cannot drive. They are not free to go where they want, when they want. They always have to tell someone where they are and who they are with. They feel like they are treated like a child. Yet when they are sexual with someone, they are just like everyone else--a grown-up. I have received this same message from people with identified IQ's from 30 to 70, verbal and nonverbal. Unfortunately, some people are victimized sexually because they value the feeling of sexual activity. If we can recognize the power of an abusive relationship because of one’s sexual feelings, we will be better able to support people in developing ways to discriminate respectful relationships that can grow and benefit both people. Sexual relationships. It is important to teach the context for a sexual relationship. This starts to develop during the early teachings of how and where to masturbate; how to enjoy sexual expression; valuing self; showing respect for others and expecting respect towards self; learning to express emotions such as anger, sadness, and joy in ways that other people can understand; and developing a sense of style. Adult men and women who have disabilities may or may not be aware of their own attractiveness and how they present themselves to others. Women who have a disability may want to shave their legs in the summer. Men may want to experiment with hairstyles. Both may want to decide what looks best on them. This may seem trivial, but it is important; it allows them to deal with the world. Some individuals with autism may need specific instructions about social expectations. Some manners, ways of conversing, or sexual mores may not have meaning for them in the same way a person without autism might experience them. For these individuals, it is important to provide them with ample information about social rituals and boundaries. Role playing, discreet reminders when in public, and lots of practice are helpful. People are sexual beings. It is not a choice or an option. It is a truth. The best sex education is a full awareness of social skills, boundaries, sexual expression, and expectations.
Geri Newton is a consultant in ethics, sexuality and therapeutic interventions. If you would like to contact Ms. Newton, her office number is: (503) 363-6347, and her mail is: newton@cyberis.net
Deeper than
the mirror By Sheila Hagar of the Union-Bulletin, Dec 13, 2006 Puberty. Every parent knows the anxiety and fear associated with the topic. ``It's a delicate subject,'' said author and consultant Geri Newton. ``There is general discomfort about sexuality, it's really a peculiar relationship. We use it to sell products, but we don't want to talk about it.'' Imagine, then, the child going through the growing-up process is developmentally disabled, perhaps with limited speech or unpredictable behaviors. It has become Newton's job to open the door for conversation about the matter, not only to parents of developmentally disabled children, but for teachers and others working with the special-needs population. Portland-based Newton takes her message across the United States as a consultant in ethics, sexuality and therapeutic interventions. Her mission since 1978 has been to dispel bad information and myths, she explained. ``For people with a disability, the perception is that they are not sexual or that they are oversexed,'' Newton said. ``Neither is true.''
It is especially important for those with developmentally-disabled children to understand how puberty will look in their own family. Armed with good information parents and siblings can be the first line of defense in helping such kids develop a healthy sexual identity. Without such a plan in place, there is an inherent vulnerability, Newton said. She tells the story of one young woman - disabled and nonverbal - who grew up in a ``very protective environment.'' The woman ended up being molested in one of the rare moments she was without family support. It is a terrible fact: predators are more likely to take advantage of those developmentally disabled, who have usually been sheltered inside a small social and family circle. Most of the victims take other people - even the slimiest - at their word, she noted. ``They honestly believe they are safe with them.'' After the assault, the young woman used a night light for six months, Newton recalled. ``Buying a night light is no different than getting a German shepherd,'' after trauma, she said. ``She was scared, as any woman would be.'' ``As any woman would be'' is the crux of Newton's mantra. While a delay or disability may effect how the information is processed, puberty and sexuality are normal parts of any child's development and it's no different for those who have challenges, she said. The real problem stems from long before puberty hits, Newton feels. ``When someone has a child and there is an identified disability, (professionals) generally present it as `there is something wrong with your child.''' In fact, there is not, the author emphasized. ``It is only that sense of the privileged few that `the norm is best.' And that causes us to see people that experience life with a disability as `less than.''' The truth is developmentally-disabled people become sexually aroused, wonder about dating, fall in love and think about marriage. ``Just like everyone else,'' Newton said. Caregivers of every sort - teachers, caseworkers and parents - are obligated to lend support in reaching a level of sexuality that won't get in the way of moving life forward. Newton finds she gets most initial calls from families when their special-needs child ``has developed masturbatory practices that are scary.'' Having been given so many messages over time about what is ``different,'' parents can't see this issue is really the same for their child as for a kid developing typically, she said. Everyone needs a method for making decisions, and Newton helps her audiences teach their charges about boundaries, public-versus-private behavior and the difference between complying with a caregiver and saying ``no'' to a dangerous person, she said. It is information that needs to be put out there, said Teri Hough of Walla Walla. Hough works for Walla Walla County as a developmental-disability program manager, and has mothered her son Brian for 19 years. Brian, a student at Walla Walla High School, has Down syndrome. He also has the same normal interest in the opposite sex as his peers, Hough said. Knowing how communities look upon that interest in special-needs teens, however, has led Hough and her family to work on the issue of sexuality since Brian was in fifth grade. ``It's about what is appropriate. We tell him, `you can't be holding hands and kissing someone on the bus,' for example.'' The public can see typically developing children try out such behavior and not object, Hough said. ``But if Brian does that, people are offended.'' It's a lack of education in the general population, she believes. ``They worry about sexual predators, they think it's an impulse-control issue.'' It's hard to accept such prejudice, but Hough realizes her job is to keep Brian safe, she said. ``So that's what we teach.'' Giving every child information about puberty and sexuality is a way to help them make decisions for themselves, Newton agreed. And it's an important tool to provide for a developmentally disabled teen because no parent can cover every situation their kid will encounter, she added. ``It's a blessing when agencies put this kind of thing together for a community. It's a moment when people can really ask questions that are ticklish, a safe environment where they can get information and add it to what they already know.'' Families that show up at such seminars tend to be the most involved and Newton is happy to be able to validate their efforts, she said. ``I hope after they leave there's a sense of how smart they are, how smart their sons and daughters are.'' The young woman in Newton's story was smart, as well. After working with Newton, she understood that she was OK, before and after she was molested - that her own sexuality wasn't to blame for what happened. A year after the incident, another man took the developmentally disabled woman down to a riverbank, apparently intent on overpowering her, Newton recalled. ``This time she wasn't afraid. She picked up rocks and began throwing them and people noticed and yelled out.'' The man ran off at the outcry and Newton's client was safe, she said. ``This time she knew she had the right to do that.'' FOR YOUR INFORMATION Author and consultant Geri Newton will speak about puberty and sexuality in people with disabilities on Friday at Pendleton's Oxford Suites. Parents and professionals may attend a 1-4 p.m. session while a 6-8 p.m. session is for parents only. The event is sponsored by the the Autism Society of Oregon. For more information, call (541) 938-3947. Each session is
$20, which will be collected at the door. |
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